Faith.Hope.Love

     I think sometimes we get so wrapped up in others; in playing a role, in helping them to prove ourselves worthy of love, of acceptance, of all of it.  We FORGET how we should be treated.  We forget we deserve the very same time, love and respect we pour into others.  The sad realization that we are a pawn in the game of life to some is heartbreaking. Its utterly shattering. And sometimes those broken slivers stay hidden for a while but they work themselves to the surface and bring pain.  Sometimes the pain doesn't go away.  Sometimes it lingers to remind us to push forward and not go backwards to the very thing that broke us.  You cannot truly repair broken glass. It may go back together but the mark is left. The scar.  The only way to truly repair it is to replace it.  A new beginning. 

    And beginning a new, replacing, does not mean the slivers are gone. Gentle reminders will linger. A lie. A picture. A broken promise.  They will be there to prompt you to think twice before going back to the place, the person, the thing that caused the break. 

    You can't put a band-aid on a broken heart.  You can't ignore it and wish it away. You have to feel.  You have to  marinate in it.  You are worth it.  You deserve the very best you give others.  Feel the sadness. The heartbreak. The slivers.  And then rise above it.  See yourself as God does.  

    But God...Jesus loves us and chooses us.  Quit chasing what isn't yours.  Chase Jesus! If it's meant to be, it will be.  Whatever is designed for you will be running alongside you with eyes on Jesus and eventually your paths will intersect.  

        

Letters to him...

Third Thursday..

Two weeks and one day...

Yesterday I got to see you, multiple times.  And you looked good. You brought over Addie and Wes. The sheer magnitude of the entire couple weeks hit me like a ton of bricks and I broke down.  Standing in the driveway, I lost my ability to do anything. All I could was cry.  All I do was hold on to you.  The tears tasted like salt as they flowed freely down my cheeks. Your hoodie absorbed most. But they wouldn't stop.  I probably would have cried all day if I thought you would have stayed.  But...Addie. At least I did tell you I miss you.

I spent the majority of the day laughing and smiling with 3 wonderful kids.  Addie tore my heart out. She misses me.  She misses me... And her tears were evident she was speaking truth.   I know this is going to take him and God send me glimpses of hope every day.  Your cell phone still has my picture on it.  My pictures are still up in your house. Your smile....

I sent a text this morning that said I was praying for your safety.  While that is true, I am also praying for you. I am praying God brings you back to me.

Letters to him...

Wednesday (2 weeks later)...

I felt so much better yesterday. After praying over you, after getting confirmation Addie would be coming over.  Its normal but not. You're not part of it.   And the pain I get every time I think of a memory is gut wrenching. It takes my breath away.

I messed a lot of things up.  I have some stuff to deal with on my own. Just don't forget us and walk away like I didn't exist. I did...and I am still here. You keep talking to me like we just met. I wonder if you're even sad. I wonder if you even miss me. But most of all, I wonder if you even want to try again.  Have you written me off like I was never a part of your life? Have you taken my pictures down? Have you discarded them into the trash or a drawer like your feelings for me?  I never intended for this to happen.  I just wanted to matter to you like you mattered to me.

Yesterday was also the day I realized you were trying. You picked me up that day and carried me inside the lodge.  You laid me down...

Another day you wrapped your arms around me and held me from behind...

Don't let those things disappear. We can get through this. God will help us if we let him guide us. If Jesus can restore the church and the temple and has faith in people, he can restore this relationship. Lay everything in front of him. Bare your soul. Comebacks are way better than setbacks.

Letters to him...

Second Tuesday...

The familiar text tone came yesterday. You texted.  A reply to a Happy Birthday for Warren but you texted. The silent treatment was over.  We texted about workouts and then it was done.

This morning I woke to a dark room, uneasy at  best.  The gloominess from the rain provided the darkness. The stillness. The motor of the fan gave a rhythm that was calming. I just needed to listen. I was tossing and turning and fighting the urges like most days.  It was different. I sat up and asked "What God?"   I needed to pray with you and for you. I needed to talk to you through Jesus.  It was early so I laid there for another hour until I sent the text, asking you to call or come by.   Delivered.... Now that wait.  Your call came within minutes.  You were pleasant.  You were receptive when I asked if I could pray. You listened when I asked for forgiveness. You remained quiet while I prayed for your safety and for God to wrap you up in his arm. You didn't sigh when I said I was sorry my hurts became your hurts. At the end you gave an Amen and a Thank you.  Conversation continued for a bit. Small talk about the week.

I didn't get upset when you said you would bring my Keurig back.  I knew you didn't like it anyways. I am glad you broke down and got your own pot.

Addie is coming to see me tomorrow. She misses me. Wes may be coming too. I wanted to ask you so many other things but the silence is where I get answers. I do want to know if my pictures are still up. I do want to know what your background is on your phone. Only God knows those things.  I don't want to become a memory to you. I'm glad your running again and spending time with your kids. Those are so important. Please just don't forget me. Don't let me go. I am right here waiting...

Letters to him...

Second Monday Post 2...

A wave of sadness has engulfed me. I can't breathe. I struggle to come up out of this. The pressure on my chest. My rapidly beating heart. And then the tears...

This isn't ok. I long to hear the familiar ringtone or thunk of a text from you. I long to see your truck pull into my drive. I long to hold you. To laugh with you. To be with you.

I wonder if this is what a near drowning feels like? The waves keep pounding me and knocking me back down. I can't stand up....

Jesus....sweet Jesus.. I crying out to you. Pull me out of this. Make this better.

Letters to him...

Second Monday...

I woke up this morning a little different. You were on my mind like most days. I scrolled through social media gradually got up to get through this day, a day that I know we would be spending together.  These are the hardest. These days are mean.  These days hurt.

I tell myself the hurt will get better but with every memory, the scab is torn open. How I long to lie to next to you, to kiss you, to hold you.

I want to mad. I deserve to be mad. But I'm not. I love too much to be mad at you.  I just want you to realize you aren't alone in anything. The Father loves so so much.  I just want to know where it went wrong? Where it got so messed up?  Where you changed?

Talking to Matt yesterday was beneficial for me.  Nobody understands. Not your friends or your family.  Come back to me. Come back to me so we work through this together. Yesterday I went for a drive, something I have done so many times in the past couple weeks, and I was blinded by the tears, I lost control of my car for a moment. The sliding of my tires and the sound of gravel, my heart beating 100 beats a minute made me stop.  What is wrong with me?   That particular I was driving to your house. I was going to give some stuff back.  But you weren't home. The gate locked...much like your heart.

Letters to him

Second Sunday...

The endless miles I continue to drive searching...for peace, for clarity, for a dam to stop the tears.  I replay every conversation in my head. I read notes I had written in my phone.  Same story, different day.  I just wanted to truly matter. I just wanted a fair shake.  I wanted to be loved like you loved her.  I'm nothing like her. I value you. I love you.  And I spent every day trying to prove that.

I woke early today as usual. No tears. But I did drive. I drove to see the sunrise. I would give anything to have viewed it from the top of your house. I would give anything to have watched it with you.

The wedding was yesterday.  I prayed so hard and I continue to pray for a miracle. My miracle. My love. My heart. Very selfish of me.   But I just get a feeling with you. That this is the icky part. This is our trial. This is something we have to get through. I pray that God keeps you pure in heart. I pray he keeps you honorable to your word. I pray he keeps you. Mostly I pray you keep him.

This unknown is that pain. The bone chilling, stabbing pain of the unknown. I would walk through fire for those I love, carrying buckets of water. For you, I'd carry two...