Letters to him...

The second Thursday...

To say I miss you is an understatement. I want to hold you with every single ounce of my being. Tears continue to fall and emotions come in waves. I am all over the place. I get angry. I get nauseated. But mostly I am sad.

You called yesterday. I was shocked to hear the familiar ring tone and the hair on my neck stood on end. I wanted it to be a good conversation. I wanted my prayers to be answered. But...sadly those things didn't come. It had been shy of 3 days since I had heard your voice. You hadn't dialed my phone number in a week. And you were fine. You made small talk.  You asked about my day. I answered with a form of anticipation that maybe you would say things were gonna be okay. I asked you questions and you answered with a familiarity of conversations before. And then I opened my mouth and asked the question that would prove to be the demise of the relationship. "What are you doing? What is this?"  You replied simply with a vague response of checking in and a quick assurance you would call in a couple days. A couple days? I had waited three to hear from you and now I would have to wait another couple. Knowing that didn't set well summoned up the voice from within my heart, the one that hits a nerve with you, the one that you don't want to hear.

You said you were doing you and that you didn't want to work on us. You were too busy.  As I resisted the urge to let the tears make a sound, I heard my own voice say "girlfriend".  And because the emotional roller coaster was on the first loop of the track, I faintly heard you say since you didn't want to work on us, we should just be friends. As the coaster headed up the hill, the courage to tell you what the past week had done to me arose. One quick turn around the corner and then the downward descent..."Seriously, you have nothing to say about all this?" I was then reminded of how I had disrespected you in the previous conversation on that Wednesday night. Disrespect...my words...disrespectful.  My truths, my emotions, my feelings had disrespected you.  The inner turmoil was twisting with every turn the conversation was taking. I was experiencing so many things and I couldn't act on anything.  My words of truth, my heart, had made you angry. They hit a spot. I get it. But how can they be worse than what she did to you for so long?

I had said a prayer during the evening asking God to give me strength if you ever called. I had prayed for this moment.  So I told you that I deserved to be heard, that I deserved to say my peace. Yes I pushed. I pushed because that is all I had left to do. Walking away from you was the last thing I wanted. I wanted us. I wanted to make it all better. But you never lifted me up. You kept me under and at every opportunity reminded me where I would always be in the relationship.  It's hard to hear where you rank. Its hard to hear that you will have to apply all the effort. Its hard to hear you may never hear I love you. But I stayed. I endured because I knew God was working in both of us. I knew why I was placed in your life.  I never stood a chance. She will always have your heart. She will always win. I never had a problem with her, I despised your reaction to her every move. I despised your lack of boundaries with her but you openness to constantly give me mine. And with words that gutted me. I was starting to believe I was horrible. I was the reason this was going bad. I truly was a lesser than.

You had nothing to say when the conversation ended. You were hardened. And I hung up broken...