Letters to him

Friday...

My alarm went off and I rolled over to make it stop. I had been awake for some time. I hadn't slept much, waking up in panic with a pain so intense I struggled to catch my breath. Courtney had stayed a while the night before, making sure I was ok and monitoring my attacks. But this morning I had a job to do and laying here in silence wasn't going to get it done.

I got up and started the coffee. I met Pam outside and took in the crisp air. It felt great. After 45 minutes of putting our bodies through some form of band torture, she left to continue her day. The clouds were once again rolling in so I rushed to spread some insect killer on the grass as well as some fertilizer.  I know I was talking to myself. And the numbness that I was growing accustomed to allowed me not to care. I looked and realized that Erin and Brynn were waiting on me so I changed shoes and put her and myself through weighted torture. I wanted to sweat and forget for even an hour.  She left when we were done and I set down in the garage and the tears came. They always do. I messaged you. I know it was stupid but the longing, the pain; I just wanted it to stop.

You didn't reply right away.  But you never do so I waited with some form of childlike anticipation, hoping you woke up and wanted us.  That wasn't the case. Your words came like venom from a snake who was being threatened.  I read them over and over, hoping my eyes were just mixing things up. So despite the fact Karen had showed for her torture, I called you. I, in a moment of sheer panic, hit the button that would produce the sharpest pain I have felt in a long time.

Your words cut like a knife, slicing through my heart with intent. It was beating providing life, but it was struggling. In defense I snapped back determined to keep walls from building. Another mistake. I was becoming a master of destroying my own soul. The overwhelming evidence to the demise of our relationship was thrust into my ear like daggers. So I hung up. I made my way back the garage and crumbled. Karen stayed until that attack passed. She hugged me and just listened. She let me rationalize it as best I could and we set another time to work out.

Courtney called when the next attack came. That specific attack left me without words and summoned up Rhonda to come and sit with me. I listen with intent to those who talk or stop by but my brain is jumbled. Nothing makes sense because everything about me says to fix it, to change and make it better. To do whatever it would take to make this all a dream.

Throughout the day, I did find time to smile and laugh. AJ and I worked out.  But that would be the time I know you would to stopping by to pick up the cake I baked for Wes. You pulled up and I felt the knot grow in my throat. My stomach turned like a washer on the spin cycle. And you were normal. There was no animosity. There was no hate.  But there was also no love.  You left as quickly as you came, with a see you later out window as a form of gentlemanly conduct. I knew better than to take those words literally.

John called soon after that and the conversation went on for hours. He gets it. He understands. He himself wonders what has happened.  During the conversation, you texted. Nothing personal or resolving, but a pic of Wes and the cake, thanking me. I got off the phone and walked with Karen feeling a little higher, with some form of hope. Dinner followed and then bedtime. I longed to stay asleep. I prayed when I closed my eyes I would find rest.