Letters to him...

Monday...

Today started out a little better than most days.  I slept a little better in spite of the water mess in my garage and the fact I had to heat water on the stove to shave my legs.  I felt comfortable enough to text you last night and let you know the storm that continued to cloud my week. We had even talked about it briefly at your house in the 3 plus hours I hung around with your daughter on Sunday.

She and I had so much fun during that day. She made me smile and laugh on so many occasions. I would have kept her into the night, knowing the later I took her back the shorter the amount of time I would have to encounter conversations with you. But she has a sweet little heart and disposition and she was so excited to share popsicles with her brothers. She asked in her high pitched voice to take her home so she could enjoy the frozen treats with them. I of course obliged and we embarked on the long road to your house.  My own child had left with a friend so it was just me, no back up. No escape plan. Just me and what was left of my heart for that day. I drove slowly, listening to the Frozen soundtrack, letting my mind wander to conversations that would take place or not happen at all. I was mentally exhausted when I turned on your drive.  She jumped out of the car ready to share with the boys leaving me to get her things and follow her in.

I entered your house and noticed a sense of familiarity of my pictures still in place and my dishes on the counter where I left them. It was like nothing had changed. I walked into your son's room where you all were playing video games and set down on the edge of the open bed. You slipped up and said, "Look's like your mom is back with your sister." And then immediately corrected yourself. Just another notch in the "he is not over her belt".

You finished playing and moved into the kitchen to do dishes and dinner. I just stood there making small talk about hot water heaters and the kids. Your sweet girl continued to ask me to stay, to sit with her, to not leave.  At some point I got close enough to look at a mole on your back and you hugged me. Just a small grab but I leaned in closer and held tight. I wasn't sure another would come so I made the embrace last longer. You must have sensed/felt something because you took a step away and made your way outside. Addie had me follow to play with the kittens. She is relentless. She is 100% girl! I asked you to sit on the swing and promised you wouldn't have to talk. When asked if I was going to talk I replied softly, "I don't have anything left to say."  Sitting led to playing basketball and more small talk...and another long hug.

It was time to leave. I was starting to doubt my strength. I was starting to lose myself and what I am sure would have been the vomiting of all the wrong words. So I left. I got in my car and told myself to not take your "see you later" literally.

I got home to the mess of a busted hot water tank. Because when it rains its pours at my house. The hits keep on coming and I am forced to roll with the punches. Which I did. I was contacted my your sister in law who wanted to talk. We scheduled a time for Monday and I laid down to complete my devotion, slowly drifting off to sleep.

This morning was as mentioned above, okay. After installation of my savings, (HAHA), I went over to the party house determined not to cry and ask for simple prayers of healing for you and your relationship with her and others, including me. A couple hours of sitting at her table revealed that I am not alone in my thinking and that she and your brother agree. I would soon find that your sister does as well. It isn't me. I don't have a "her" thing. You do. You aren't over her. You keep her at the distance you feel she needs to be and swear it's for the kids. Your unwillingness to cast her aside has created this mess for you and I. It isn't me. My mouth is speaking words of truth and you know it. She asked why I stay. Why I keep putting up with it? Why again?  What is my line? It's apology and forgiveness. It's choosing me over her. I haven't done the things she has. I haven't hurt you. So why do it to me?

I knew the evening would be hard. You should be here with me tonight. Eating dinner. Walking. Watching TV. But you're not. I called our friend to fight the urge to call you. He would tell me not to, to let the urge go and to be strong. What I need to hear, not what I want to hear. He did exactly that, promising my strength would gain blessings. He had talked to you briefly. I felt my hair stand on end and my heart fluttered knowing he talked to you. Did he say anything? How did you respond?  You did talk about me, you did make me a villain, you did say all the things I expected.  He said to be patient.  I said okay realizing my line is drawn even if just for today...