Letters to him...

Tuesday...

I have a feeling I'm going to write to you a lot today.   I have a lot say. So much. But it doesn't' ever come out right. It always comes out wrong to you. But if comes from a place of love, a place of yearning to make it right with you. I talked to my mom this morning. We talked about the dynamic of patience and discerning God's voice. I know some would rather I let you go, I cut all strings and walk away. I try to "find my happy" and "learn to love myself again". That's all rather cliche. I don't hate myself. I hate what we have done to us.

It is repairable. It can be mended. It can be fixed. It is gonna take some time. I think in this season we have to look at the underlying problems and not patch them with a band-aid. Someone the other day asked me what my goal was in this relationship. I didn't have some eloquent words that I wanted the fairy tale. Because that doesn't exist.  This is life. It's messy and real and raw and jumbled and busy but it's worth it. I thought long and hard about her question. I've been lying to myself. I do want a future with you. I do want to share that part of our lives together. I do want to front porch sit with you and grow even older.

I'm sitting here at the table, looking out window with some hope I'll see your truck coming down the hill. I can't stop the tears from flowing. I am heartbroken. I see a future with you. I see the two of us smiling on the river as we hunt rocks. I see the two of us mowing and weed eating outside. I see the two of us laughing in the car on one of our road trips. I can see me sitting on the counter as you cook dinner, reminding me that I am beautiful.  I can see all that. God hasn't taken any of those visions away from me. He hasn't taken you out of my life. It's gonna take God to heal this. It's gonna take time. It's gonna take patience.

Choose me...