Sunday...
Its been 4 days since that horrible night. So much has happened in those 4 days, but nothing has brought you back. Nothing has softened your hatred. I won't lie and say yesterday was an easy one. I struggled to smile and act like I was okay. I prayed for strength at every turn. Knowing you're ignoring me and throwing away our memories is as gut wrenching as it comes. But you know that pain, you have felt it for so many years and you are content to stay there. I never thought I would be your Savior. I was raised and will always believe that is the job of Christ. You took that role and owned that role with her. It wasn't yours to take. He put you in her life and Satan took her out and I am so sorry that happened to you. I am so sorry she crushed your soul to the point you think it's okay to do that to me.
I weighed myself today and ironically I'm below 130. Celebrations right? Hitting those goals. I am painstakingly putting my all into this because of what I feel I am being led to do. And I know that I have to be patient. So I will fast in moments of drop to your knee prayers. To arms extended to Christ in reverence. To giving him everything.
The messages still come in checking on me. I hurt but I have a passion to please and be obedient to Christ. There have been endless opportunities to end this relationship and it hasn't. I won't let it end now because you're mad it got real. I hit a nerve. Because you realize you need to heal.
Kids sense things. I don't know what you have told yours. But I won't know because you refuse to talk to me. You ignore me and my messages. Your littlest one is here with me again today. She ran to me yesterday at the party and was my shadow. She wanted everything to do with me. So I let her. No sense hurting the children. You speak so much about how your decisions are the best for your kids. Is this one? Really? Is taking me out of your life really the best thing for them? She called me today and asked me to come get her so she is here with me and my son. We are laughing and eating french fries and watching cartoons. And she thinks everything is okay.
Your mom came over and sat with me last night for a few hours. She didn't take sides but offered up information I needed. She is joining the army that cares enough to pray for all of this.
I cried this morning at church. Your mom was there to offer companionship. You should have been there with us and I know you know that. Stop all this. Stop the downward cycle of being unwilling to heal. Stop staying where you were two years ago. You weren't happy. God placed me in your life to show you what happiness could be and you're trying to throw it away. I have a prayer circle so very big right now surrounding this relationship. I know in time my tears will flow less. I know I will smile again. But with you....
Sunday, May 17, 2020
Saturday, May 16, 2020
Letters to him
Friday...
My alarm went off and I rolled over to make it stop. I had been awake for some time. I hadn't slept much, waking up in panic with a pain so intense I struggled to catch my breath. Courtney had stayed a while the night before, making sure I was ok and monitoring my attacks. But this morning I had a job to do and laying here in silence wasn't going to get it done.
I got up and started the coffee. I met Pam outside and took in the crisp air. It felt great. After 45 minutes of putting our bodies through some form of band torture, she left to continue her day. The clouds were once again rolling in so I rushed to spread some insect killer on the grass as well as some fertilizer. I know I was talking to myself. And the numbness that I was growing accustomed to allowed me not to care. I looked and realized that Erin and Brynn were waiting on me so I changed shoes and put her and myself through weighted torture. I wanted to sweat and forget for even an hour. She left when we were done and I set down in the garage and the tears came. They always do. I messaged you. I know it was stupid but the longing, the pain; I just wanted it to stop.
You didn't reply right away. But you never do so I waited with some form of childlike anticipation, hoping you woke up and wanted us. That wasn't the case. Your words came like venom from a snake who was being threatened. I read them over and over, hoping my eyes were just mixing things up. So despite the fact Karen had showed for her torture, I called you. I, in a moment of sheer panic, hit the button that would produce the sharpest pain I have felt in a long time.
Your words cut like a knife, slicing through my heart with intent. It was beating providing life, but it was struggling. In defense I snapped back determined to keep walls from building. Another mistake. I was becoming a master of destroying my own soul. The overwhelming evidence to the demise of our relationship was thrust into my ear like daggers. So I hung up. I made my way back the garage and crumbled. Karen stayed until that attack passed. She hugged me and just listened. She let me rationalize it as best I could and we set another time to work out.
Courtney called when the next attack came. That specific attack left me without words and summoned up Rhonda to come and sit with me. I listen with intent to those who talk or stop by but my brain is jumbled. Nothing makes sense because everything about me says to fix it, to change and make it better. To do whatever it would take to make this all a dream.
Throughout the day, I did find time to smile and laugh. AJ and I worked out. But that would be the time I know you would to stopping by to pick up the cake I baked for Wes. You pulled up and I felt the knot grow in my throat. My stomach turned like a washer on the spin cycle. And you were normal. There was no animosity. There was no hate. But there was also no love. You left as quickly as you came, with a see you later out window as a form of gentlemanly conduct. I knew better than to take those words literally.
John called soon after that and the conversation went on for hours. He gets it. He understands. He himself wonders what has happened. During the conversation, you texted. Nothing personal or resolving, but a pic of Wes and the cake, thanking me. I got off the phone and walked with Karen feeling a little higher, with some form of hope. Dinner followed and then bedtime. I longed to stay asleep. I prayed when I closed my eyes I would find rest.
My alarm went off and I rolled over to make it stop. I had been awake for some time. I hadn't slept much, waking up in panic with a pain so intense I struggled to catch my breath. Courtney had stayed a while the night before, making sure I was ok and monitoring my attacks. But this morning I had a job to do and laying here in silence wasn't going to get it done.
I got up and started the coffee. I met Pam outside and took in the crisp air. It felt great. After 45 minutes of putting our bodies through some form of band torture, she left to continue her day. The clouds were once again rolling in so I rushed to spread some insect killer on the grass as well as some fertilizer. I know I was talking to myself. And the numbness that I was growing accustomed to allowed me not to care. I looked and realized that Erin and Brynn were waiting on me so I changed shoes and put her and myself through weighted torture. I wanted to sweat and forget for even an hour. She left when we were done and I set down in the garage and the tears came. They always do. I messaged you. I know it was stupid but the longing, the pain; I just wanted it to stop.
You didn't reply right away. But you never do so I waited with some form of childlike anticipation, hoping you woke up and wanted us. That wasn't the case. Your words came like venom from a snake who was being threatened. I read them over and over, hoping my eyes were just mixing things up. So despite the fact Karen had showed for her torture, I called you. I, in a moment of sheer panic, hit the button that would produce the sharpest pain I have felt in a long time.
Your words cut like a knife, slicing through my heart with intent. It was beating providing life, but it was struggling. In defense I snapped back determined to keep walls from building. Another mistake. I was becoming a master of destroying my own soul. The overwhelming evidence to the demise of our relationship was thrust into my ear like daggers. So I hung up. I made my way back the garage and crumbled. Karen stayed until that attack passed. She hugged me and just listened. She let me rationalize it as best I could and we set another time to work out.
Courtney called when the next attack came. That specific attack left me without words and summoned up Rhonda to come and sit with me. I listen with intent to those who talk or stop by but my brain is jumbled. Nothing makes sense because everything about me says to fix it, to change and make it better. To do whatever it would take to make this all a dream.
Throughout the day, I did find time to smile and laugh. AJ and I worked out. But that would be the time I know you would to stopping by to pick up the cake I baked for Wes. You pulled up and I felt the knot grow in my throat. My stomach turned like a washer on the spin cycle. And you were normal. There was no animosity. There was no hate. But there was also no love. You left as quickly as you came, with a see you later out window as a form of gentlemanly conduct. I knew better than to take those words literally.
John called soon after that and the conversation went on for hours. He gets it. He understands. He himself wonders what has happened. During the conversation, you texted. Nothing personal or resolving, but a pic of Wes and the cake, thanking me. I got off the phone and walked with Karen feeling a little higher, with some form of hope. Dinner followed and then bedtime. I longed to stay asleep. I prayed when I closed my eyes I would find rest.
Letters to him...
Saturday...
I woke up this morning the same way I went to sleep; wet faced and lonely. Looking in the mirror once again the puffy eyes greeted me. The yearning for a hot, caffeinated beverage pulled me out of bed so I could drink enough liquid courage to get me through the day.
I scrolled Facebook, first pausing on my page to see if you had removed our relationship status from our social worlds, leaving me to answer questions I couldn't even get myself. Once establishing nothing had changed in the virtual world I took a deep breath and glanced mindlessly at other things. Messages come in continuously, checking in and telling me to breathe and let God just take this entire situation and I know they are right, but this situation isn't fair and it isn't right. I am losing a love, one I have poured so much into. One I don't get a say in.
Facebook has this wonderful thing called memories and let me tell you, they suck. A year ago, I was sitting with you and our kids in a boat on your pond. We were smiling. The overwhelming feeling of regret knocked me to the ground and I lost it. So I sit here at the table, stroking these black and white keys searching for answers and trying to make sense of it all.
I think about that night in the boat 365 days ago. Had we argued that day? Had we smiled and joked and had one of our best days? I can't remember. All I have is this picture. This memory on Facebook that tells me it must have been a good one. And I long to be there in that boat with you right now.
I have heard so many people say hindsight is 20/20. What the hell does that even mean? It's clearer? More crisp? It's just eye opening to me, that is all. Apparently I didn't say much that night in the boat. Must have been a night I rolled with the punches or didn't pick up any offense. I must have been "the girl" you liked that night. I must have been the better version that day. The non complicated one. The do what I say one. The don't it let it bother you one.
But that's not me. I am messy and complicated and helping and kind and generous with all I have. I love to a fault. And I hurt. Lord knows I hurt. 90% of the time, I can be the version you like. But the 10% that I am not is held against me. There is no help, no understanding, no want to get around that 10%. You would rather just toss it all away then help with the 10%. And it seems so trivial. The things we talk about that end in fights. I do have feelings and emotions and you don't. There is no compromise. A couple of days ago I did a thing that took a lot of courage. I had to let go of my pride. I took a step in a direction for resolution. And you know what? It didn't matter to you. Because it wasn't soon enough and you were done. You tossed me and all of our memories aside. I got written off. You know that pain. You have experienced it. Feel it with me....
So today I get that Facebook memory. I get to see your smiling face and know that on that day, I made you happy. For a brief moment it blurs out the imagery of your face from a couple of nights ago. It dims the tone of disgust and hate from your voice. It stopped my tears for a couple of seconds.
But now the wave has built back up and I search frantically for another snapshot, to stop this pain and stop this hurt. And I know I won't find one quick enough because the tears have already started. I know you were hurt. I know what you went through. I do. I get that you don't get me. But we can get through this together.
I woke up this morning the same way I went to sleep; wet faced and lonely. Looking in the mirror once again the puffy eyes greeted me. The yearning for a hot, caffeinated beverage pulled me out of bed so I could drink enough liquid courage to get me through the day.
I scrolled Facebook, first pausing on my page to see if you had removed our relationship status from our social worlds, leaving me to answer questions I couldn't even get myself. Once establishing nothing had changed in the virtual world I took a deep breath and glanced mindlessly at other things. Messages come in continuously, checking in and telling me to breathe and let God just take this entire situation and I know they are right, but this situation isn't fair and it isn't right. I am losing a love, one I have poured so much into. One I don't get a say in.
Facebook has this wonderful thing called memories and let me tell you, they suck. A year ago, I was sitting with you and our kids in a boat on your pond. We were smiling. The overwhelming feeling of regret knocked me to the ground and I lost it. So I sit here at the table, stroking these black and white keys searching for answers and trying to make sense of it all.
I think about that night in the boat 365 days ago. Had we argued that day? Had we smiled and joked and had one of our best days? I can't remember. All I have is this picture. This memory on Facebook that tells me it must have been a good one. And I long to be there in that boat with you right now.
I have heard so many people say hindsight is 20/20. What the hell does that even mean? It's clearer? More crisp? It's just eye opening to me, that is all. Apparently I didn't say much that night in the boat. Must have been a night I rolled with the punches or didn't pick up any offense. I must have been "the girl" you liked that night. I must have been the better version that day. The non complicated one. The do what I say one. The don't it let it bother you one.
But that's not me. I am messy and complicated and helping and kind and generous with all I have. I love to a fault. And I hurt. Lord knows I hurt. 90% of the time, I can be the version you like. But the 10% that I am not is held against me. There is no help, no understanding, no want to get around that 10%. You would rather just toss it all away then help with the 10%. And it seems so trivial. The things we talk about that end in fights. I do have feelings and emotions and you don't. There is no compromise. A couple of days ago I did a thing that took a lot of courage. I had to let go of my pride. I took a step in a direction for resolution. And you know what? It didn't matter to you. Because it wasn't soon enough and you were done. You tossed me and all of our memories aside. I got written off. You know that pain. You have experienced it. Feel it with me....
So today I get that Facebook memory. I get to see your smiling face and know that on that day, I made you happy. For a brief moment it blurs out the imagery of your face from a couple of nights ago. It dims the tone of disgust and hate from your voice. It stopped my tears for a couple of seconds.
But now the wave has built back up and I search frantically for another snapshot, to stop this pain and stop this hurt. And I know I won't find one quick enough because the tears have already started. I know you were hurt. I know what you went through. I do. I get that you don't get me. But we can get through this together.
Tuesday, April 14, 2020
Constant Worth
I've struggled getting back on here in the past couple of years to post again. I have debated over and over again many times, wondering if people actually want to read what I write. But today my heart is heavy. I am sad. I am feeling a little broken.
What is a persons worth? How much is one worth? Do we as a society put people in the same category as money or a job, attaching a dollar or time amount as we rank them in our lives? This past month worth has weighed heavy on my mind. I read a quote that said "Your worth stays constant whether it is seen or not." This hit home. For a while now, I haven't felt worth it; to myself or to anyone really. It's like I work so hard at making sure everyone else is happy or OK, that I forget how to take care of myself. I have ridden that struggle bus for sometime now. I guess what I am really trying to say is that I feel like some days approval is earned. I work so hard at making sure I do whatever I can all the time for everyone in my life just to make sure I remain in their good graces; often at the expense of my own health and sanity. And I wish this was consistent; like I could pinpoint what makes me wake up and feel like this but I have yet to find that trigger. Most days I am good, really good. I smile and laugh and all is well in the world. Then those other days, BAM...it's not good.
For today, For this entry, I am going to focus on those good days. I am going to meditate on those days to make them my every day. I read my devotion this morning and it drummed up all sorts of feels. One sentence stopped me in my tracks. Ephesians 2:8 tells us about a God who loves us despite our spiritual win/loss record. "For by Grace your have been saved through faith-and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God." On those bad days, I want to imagine God is up there just like I am, with a clipboard, keeping score. But he isn't. He isn't leering over me with a look of disapproval telling me I should be better. He is with me. He is crying alongside me. He holds my hand and guides me though the murky mess I have created. He is there through every rise and fall. Grace is free.
So the question is why do I keep score? Why do I feel like I should earn others approval? Why do I work so hard to have a place in someones life? I don't think I can fully answer that question today. I can however, look at it and understand that it is not OK. I should not allow someone to have that type of hold on me and my mental stability. God isn't a scorekeeper which means I shouldn't allow/expect others to be as well. Today is one of those days where I am not feeling the best about myself. I have sought out prayer from trusted friends. I have called my mom. I have cried out to Jesus.
Jesus left the 99 for the one. Today I am the one. Not the 99 like most days, today the one. I feel like I am bleating frantically trying to be found. Searching for his comfort. I guess I need to open my eyes and look for the Shepherd who is coming for me.
Today is a rough one. Its real and raw. Tomorrow will be better as I draw closer to Christ who does not place my worth on a scorecard. He extends Grace and stays by my side all the time, not just when its convenient. Worth? What is someone worth to you? Do they know they are worth it? I hope I am no longer guilty of categorizing someone's worth. EVERY single person is worth it if we profess we are a follower of Christ. Time and money don't matter. I need to stop objectifying people and see them through the eyes of Christ and expect the same in return.
What is a persons worth? How much is one worth? Do we as a society put people in the same category as money or a job, attaching a dollar or time amount as we rank them in our lives? This past month worth has weighed heavy on my mind. I read a quote that said "Your worth stays constant whether it is seen or not." This hit home. For a while now, I haven't felt worth it; to myself or to anyone really. It's like I work so hard at making sure everyone else is happy or OK, that I forget how to take care of myself. I have ridden that struggle bus for sometime now. I guess what I am really trying to say is that I feel like some days approval is earned. I work so hard at making sure I do whatever I can all the time for everyone in my life just to make sure I remain in their good graces; often at the expense of my own health and sanity. And I wish this was consistent; like I could pinpoint what makes me wake up and feel like this but I have yet to find that trigger. Most days I am good, really good. I smile and laugh and all is well in the world. Then those other days, BAM...it's not good.
For today, For this entry, I am going to focus on those good days. I am going to meditate on those days to make them my every day. I read my devotion this morning and it drummed up all sorts of feels. One sentence stopped me in my tracks. Ephesians 2:8 tells us about a God who loves us despite our spiritual win/loss record. "For by Grace your have been saved through faith-and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God." On those bad days, I want to imagine God is up there just like I am, with a clipboard, keeping score. But he isn't. He isn't leering over me with a look of disapproval telling me I should be better. He is with me. He is crying alongside me. He holds my hand and guides me though the murky mess I have created. He is there through every rise and fall. Grace is free.
So the question is why do I keep score? Why do I feel like I should earn others approval? Why do I work so hard to have a place in someones life? I don't think I can fully answer that question today. I can however, look at it and understand that it is not OK. I should not allow someone to have that type of hold on me and my mental stability. God isn't a scorekeeper which means I shouldn't allow/expect others to be as well. Today is one of those days where I am not feeling the best about myself. I have sought out prayer from trusted friends. I have called my mom. I have cried out to Jesus.
Jesus left the 99 for the one. Today I am the one. Not the 99 like most days, today the one. I feel like I am bleating frantically trying to be found. Searching for his comfort. I guess I need to open my eyes and look for the Shepherd who is coming for me.
Today is a rough one. Its real and raw. Tomorrow will be better as I draw closer to Christ who does not place my worth on a scorecard. He extends Grace and stays by my side all the time, not just when its convenient. Worth? What is someone worth to you? Do they know they are worth it? I hope I am no longer guilty of categorizing someone's worth. EVERY single person is worth it if we profess we are a follower of Christ. Time and money don't matter. I need to stop objectifying people and see them through the eyes of Christ and expect the same in return.
Monday, April 9, 2018
Where are you headed?
WARNING: LONG POST THAT IS ALL OVER THE PLACE!!
So I have this app on my phone called Sprinkle of Jesus. It sends these little snippets to my phone throughout the day. Today as I ran from one thing to the next, spreading myself entirely too thin, my phone beeped indicating I had another notification. Only this wasn't a call or a text. It was one quote plastered on the front of my phone and it read, "Be careful of people that try to keep you where they met you." As my chaotic and cluttered life went on today, I kept thinking about what that quote looked like in my life and why it kept popping into my head.
This past week has been hard. This week is exactly the opposite of where I was mentally and physically just a short time ago. I spent a wonderful stress free spring break, traveling from state to state, making glorious memories with my son. We both smiled, like real smiles that hurt your face. I laughed hard and so much that my stomach actually hurt. It was real, authentic fun and no stress! I left it all at home and was determined to make that week one my son would never forget. So that's exactly what happened. Returning from that break was to be hard, I expected that, but this hard? Not what I could ever even dream.
I am a teacher. I work in the public school system and I feel 100%, without a doubt, that this is where God has placed me. I love my job. As tiring and taxing as it can be on some days, both mentally and physically, I LOVE it. I get to be a part of shaping and molding the minds and hearts of tomorrows world. I know some say I am just a PE/Health teacher, but I think its a pretty important job. I get to not only be the "fun" teacher, but I get to help students understand what "healthy" really is and educate them on sportsmanship and being kind all the while playing a bunch of games. I LOVE MY JOB! But this week, its been hard. I miss teaching my kiddos, I miss seeing my co-workers, I miss my school.
Be careful of people that try to keep you where they met you. I started teaching a few years ago. I spent several years in the health industry before going back and getting my teaching certification. I knew I most certainly wouldn't be making the best living with my choice, but the underlying reason for teaching outweighed the financial differences. Those who know my story, know that being a single mom has been a little rough at times, but I love what I do so I have always managed with the help of my friends and family and a whole lotta Jesus! This week I haven't been in the classroom. The overall system of education in Oklahoma has tried to keep us all where they met us. Our kids deserve better and we are pushing to achieve that. It is stressful. But just as in most situations, I will manage. There is a light at the end of the tunnel and I will be able to get back to what I love.
I love my church. I love the people that attend my church. God has been so good to us. God has blessed us with the most perfect building and location. But this week, I am struggling with the sermon topic. I will be honest, I love hearing Gods word until it strikes that nerve. You know the one. Yep, that one that hits home and evokes the ugly cry face. Pastor Kyle is preaching a fantastic sermon series (one that will be just what some people need to hear) over Some Assembly Required. Its a new series on Marriage and Relationships. But of course, I heard marriage and immediately decided I didn't want to hear any of it. I am over my divorce. I have forgiven my ex husband and moved past so much. I lead a single mom small group of Sunday nights. I feel like I am the poster child for moving on. I can talk about my failed marriage all day long. Most of my friends are happily married. So why am I stuck? Why am I uncomfortable in a room listening to what the Bible says about marriage? Why can't I just read the title of the series and realize that any type of relationship will benefit from this series? I am working diligently this week on prayerfully sitting in on the sermon. A mom from my small group offered a solution to me. She said I should approach the series with an open mind, maybe gathering information and insight on a future relationship or just apply what he is saying to every type of relationship I currently have.
I warned that this post was all over the place:)
Be careful of people that try to keep you where they met you. So finally at the end of this blog, this sentence has some meaning. In all of my struggles there is one common denominator. They are mine and usually I am the one party involved. I struggle with my body image, always have and hopefully not always will. I yearn to have that metabolism of my college years, where I could eat a pizza at 2 am and run it off the next day. Heck, these days I would just take the weight of a few years ago. Today I took a walk around the lake and snapped a picture. The wind was blowing the water giving the air a chill. But there was this innate calmness that surrounded it. In the 10 seconds I paused to take the photo, and in the hours that followed, I realized a few things.
5. God is really so very good. He is my keeper and my strength. He can make me see the lesson in a quote I got on my app. He can bring people back into my life and show me the huge blessing they are. (He is that good)
4. There is beauty in everything we see.
3. Continue to pursue what I love despite the struggles that may ensue. Because being faithful to God lets him show off a little.
2. Step out of the comfort zone. There is work to be done in the messy, even if its mine.
1. Be careful of people that try to keep you where they met you because....that person may just be you.
I am guilty of a lot of things. I am by no means perfect but every day I choose to learn. Today a quote and a picture of the lake taught me a huge lesson. I learned its OK to love your job even when its not going as you would like it. I also learned its OK to fight for what is right. I learned that sometimes I need to hear the message and apply it where it needs to be applied. I learned that old friends are still good friends and are really a blessing. And I learned that I may never like my weight or my appearance but I am valuable to God. He loves me no matter what I look like. I learned that I can make the decision to change and that change needs to be for the Glory of God. I want to look and feel better so I can use my knowledge and training to help others also! I want to take in all of his word so I can help others. I need Jesus in my life in every single aspect. I cannot do it alone. That one sentence sure changed a lot of things.
Blessings
#futureme #goals #Godisgoodallthetime #SprinkleofJesus #bethelight
So I have this app on my phone called Sprinkle of Jesus. It sends these little snippets to my phone throughout the day. Today as I ran from one thing to the next, spreading myself entirely too thin, my phone beeped indicating I had another notification. Only this wasn't a call or a text. It was one quote plastered on the front of my phone and it read, "Be careful of people that try to keep you where they met you." As my chaotic and cluttered life went on today, I kept thinking about what that quote looked like in my life and why it kept popping into my head.
This past week has been hard. This week is exactly the opposite of where I was mentally and physically just a short time ago. I spent a wonderful stress free spring break, traveling from state to state, making glorious memories with my son. We both smiled, like real smiles that hurt your face. I laughed hard and so much that my stomach actually hurt. It was real, authentic fun and no stress! I left it all at home and was determined to make that week one my son would never forget. So that's exactly what happened. Returning from that break was to be hard, I expected that, but this hard? Not what I could ever even dream.
I am a teacher. I work in the public school system and I feel 100%, without a doubt, that this is where God has placed me. I love my job. As tiring and taxing as it can be on some days, both mentally and physically, I LOVE it. I get to be a part of shaping and molding the minds and hearts of tomorrows world. I know some say I am just a PE/Health teacher, but I think its a pretty important job. I get to not only be the "fun" teacher, but I get to help students understand what "healthy" really is and educate them on sportsmanship and being kind all the while playing a bunch of games. I LOVE MY JOB! But this week, its been hard. I miss teaching my kiddos, I miss seeing my co-workers, I miss my school.
Be careful of people that try to keep you where they met you. I started teaching a few years ago. I spent several years in the health industry before going back and getting my teaching certification. I knew I most certainly wouldn't be making the best living with my choice, but the underlying reason for teaching outweighed the financial differences. Those who know my story, know that being a single mom has been a little rough at times, but I love what I do so I have always managed with the help of my friends and family and a whole lotta Jesus! This week I haven't been in the classroom. The overall system of education in Oklahoma has tried to keep us all where they met us. Our kids deserve better and we are pushing to achieve that. It is stressful. But just as in most situations, I will manage. There is a light at the end of the tunnel and I will be able to get back to what I love.
I love my church. I love the people that attend my church. God has been so good to us. God has blessed us with the most perfect building and location. But this week, I am struggling with the sermon topic. I will be honest, I love hearing Gods word until it strikes that nerve. You know the one. Yep, that one that hits home and evokes the ugly cry face. Pastor Kyle is preaching a fantastic sermon series (one that will be just what some people need to hear) over Some Assembly Required. Its a new series on Marriage and Relationships. But of course, I heard marriage and immediately decided I didn't want to hear any of it. I am over my divorce. I have forgiven my ex husband and moved past so much. I lead a single mom small group of Sunday nights. I feel like I am the poster child for moving on. I can talk about my failed marriage all day long. Most of my friends are happily married. So why am I stuck? Why am I uncomfortable in a room listening to what the Bible says about marriage? Why can't I just read the title of the series and realize that any type of relationship will benefit from this series? I am working diligently this week on prayerfully sitting in on the sermon. A mom from my small group offered a solution to me. She said I should approach the series with an open mind, maybe gathering information and insight on a future relationship or just apply what he is saying to every type of relationship I currently have.
I warned that this post was all over the place:)
Be careful of people that try to keep you where they met you. So finally at the end of this blog, this sentence has some meaning. In all of my struggles there is one common denominator. They are mine and usually I am the one party involved. I struggle with my body image, always have and hopefully not always will. I yearn to have that metabolism of my college years, where I could eat a pizza at 2 am and run it off the next day. Heck, these days I would just take the weight of a few years ago. Today I took a walk around the lake and snapped a picture. The wind was blowing the water giving the air a chill. But there was this innate calmness that surrounded it. In the 10 seconds I paused to take the photo, and in the hours that followed, I realized a few things.
5. God is really so very good. He is my keeper and my strength. He can make me see the lesson in a quote I got on my app. He can bring people back into my life and show me the huge blessing they are. (He is that good)
4. There is beauty in everything we see.
3. Continue to pursue what I love despite the struggles that may ensue. Because being faithful to God lets him show off a little.
2. Step out of the comfort zone. There is work to be done in the messy, even if its mine.
1. Be careful of people that try to keep you where they met you because....that person may just be you.
I am guilty of a lot of things. I am by no means perfect but every day I choose to learn. Today a quote and a picture of the lake taught me a huge lesson. I learned its OK to love your job even when its not going as you would like it. I also learned its OK to fight for what is right. I learned that sometimes I need to hear the message and apply it where it needs to be applied. I learned that old friends are still good friends and are really a blessing. And I learned that I may never like my weight or my appearance but I am valuable to God. He loves me no matter what I look like. I learned that I can make the decision to change and that change needs to be for the Glory of God. I want to look and feel better so I can use my knowledge and training to help others also! I want to take in all of his word so I can help others. I need Jesus in my life in every single aspect. I cannot do it alone. That one sentence sure changed a lot of things.
Blessings
#futureme #goals #Godisgoodallthetime #SprinkleofJesus #bethelight
Sunday, February 25, 2018
OK God but...
Anger. Sadness. Grief. Sickness. Tears. Suffering. Pain. To go further... school shootings, death, wars, natural disasters, and even divorce. Why do these things happen? And why does it take tragedy or any negative emotion, feeling to get us to ask questions?
The world isn't what it used to be. We live in a society where darkness has become the norm. Where anger is the first response in place of kindness. Where school shootings happen weekly. Where divorce is used as a way out for something we don't want to work on anymore. Where our children know more about social media than they ever should and bullying is no longer just taking someones lunch money.
When everyday life is full of sunshine and rainbows we don't think twice about anything and carry on daily without a question in mind. However, when something bad happens, we immediately want answers as to why our life has been disrupted and we need to know the "why". Believers and non believers alike throw that question up to God like tossing a ball in a basket. We demand answers and when we don't like the response or fail to get an answer we tend to place the blame on God shoulders, as if he is the cause of our pain and suffering.
We need to look for those answers in our own lives and in the lives of those around us. God's goal is to redeem a broken society, to redeem all of creation. That's the perfect plan. We all have a moral compass. That free will I mentioned earlier? We know right from wrong. We know what/who we should be surrounding ourselves with. I read earlier this week a devotion on yearning. It is so easy to get wrapped up in what might have been when things aren't too rosy in your own garden. I am a frequent day dreamer. What we do with our choices is on us and not on God. We are the navigators of our own moral compass.
So how do we fix this? I know for me I have to give God credit for all the good things in my life. For the rain and the sun. For waking up each morning. For my precious son. For my friends and my family (I still talk to my mom daily). For my church. But most importantly because he sent his son to die for all of us and we have eternal, peaceful life through him. I need to practice kindness, especially to those who aren't necessarily kind to me. I need to teach my son the same things. Kindness breeds kindness. Smile at someone you don't know. BE THE LIGHT in this dark world.
Shine for JESUS!
The world isn't what it used to be. We live in a society where darkness has become the norm. Where anger is the first response in place of kindness. Where school shootings happen weekly. Where divorce is used as a way out for something we don't want to work on anymore. Where our children know more about social media than they ever should and bullying is no longer just taking someones lunch money.
When everyday life is full of sunshine and rainbows we don't think twice about anything and carry on daily without a question in mind. However, when something bad happens, we immediately want answers as to why our life has been disrupted and we need to know the "why". Believers and non believers alike throw that question up to God like tossing a ball in a basket. We demand answers and when we don't like the response or fail to get an answer we tend to place the blame on God shoulders, as if he is the cause of our pain and suffering.
I know I am guilty of this. Just this weekend I found myself in a anxiety ridden state, begging God for answers. I wanted to know what I did to deserve my tears, where I went wrong and why he was letting it happen. I spent the good part of a nice weekend crying and unwilling to get past my anger. And today, only after a dynamic message at church did I stop and realize it WAS NOT GOD. He didn't rain on my parade.
God is not in the business of breaking hearts and tearing up the wonderful world he created. He shares in our suffering. He holds our tears. A long time ago, two people sinned. Their sins set the world on a path of destruction as we were given free will to make bad choices. Some of those bad choices hurt innocent people. I know first hand what its like to be hurt and have nothing to do with it. I didn't ask for my life to be changed so dramatically. I didn't ask for the ongoing battle I face daily. But I can't blame God. Sure I want answers. Don't we all. Who doesn't want to know why they have lost a loved one or why their spouse doesn't want to work at their marriage anymore. Or why people hold the value of life with no regard.
We need to look for those answers in our own lives and in the lives of those around us. God's goal is to redeem a broken society, to redeem all of creation. That's the perfect plan. We all have a moral compass. That free will I mentioned earlier? We know right from wrong. We know what/who we should be surrounding ourselves with. I read earlier this week a devotion on yearning. It is so easy to get wrapped up in what might have been when things aren't too rosy in your own garden. I am a frequent day dreamer. What we do with our choices is on us and not on God. We are the navigators of our own moral compass.
So how do we fix this? I know for me I have to give God credit for all the good things in my life. For the rain and the sun. For waking up each morning. For my precious son. For my friends and my family (I still talk to my mom daily). For my church. But most importantly because he sent his son to die for all of us and we have eternal, peaceful life through him. I need to practice kindness, especially to those who aren't necessarily kind to me. I need to teach my son the same things. Kindness breeds kindness. Smile at someone you don't know. BE THE LIGHT in this dark world.
Shine for JESUS!
Sunday, August 27, 2017
Mind your own messy
Anyone that knows me can tell you that the one thing I do not handle well is a mess. I like things neat and in order...all the time. I like the dishes to be done, the beds to be made, the floor to be swept, everything in its place. That which others see has to be tidy but what they don't see, like whats inside me, is a giant mess most of the time. It is a big ball of disarray. My heart and my head hardly ever agree, and my feelings get in the way. I'm pushed and I'm pulled in a million directions...and that's usually before I make it out the door for the day. But my mess, unless I choose to tell someone, stays my mess. Nobody knows the thoughts I have, or the feels I have that day or the constant daydreams I find myself in (like those ever come true anyways). So I am faced with the question...why the mess? If I like everything in order, why do I let my life become a mess?
As I was sitting down and reading and gathering information for this post, I realized that I while I tend to keep to myself about the thoughts and feelings I have, I'm not hiding anything from God. He already knows everything I think and everything I feel, and those daydreams I have are no secret either. Have to admit I am a little ashamed about some things. Probably not too pleasing.
So this mess...I know that God has a plan for my life. He has engineered this wonderful, glorious plan for me and I am too impatient to let it come to fruition. I tell myself every day, that when something bad or less desirable happens to me, it's because God wants to mold or shape me somehow, not just let me be heartbroken. He wants good things for me. So I constantly tell myself to trust God with the mess I have once again created. And you would think with my aversion to disarray, I would do this easily....WRONG!
God wants us to praise him in our storms (messes). He collects our tears and holds us tight. He desires a life with us beyond compare. It's just our job to let him work. He is the ultimate manager of life and if we let him take over, good things can happen. He can fix it! It's hard to sit back and wait on his timing for some things. We are required to be open to him, to hear him, and to respond to him. If we can't open our hearts, perhaps that is why the mess is still there.
Today in Church I heard a really good sermon about starting over and how God is fighting for me. He wants me to have a relationship with him that isn't lukewarm. He wants me to be all in, on fire for him all the time. While Kyle was preaching, I was thinking about all the energy I have devoted to changing my physical appearance, and all those daydreams I have placing people in my life that probably don't need to be there. I thought about how exhausted I am keeping up the facade of this mess I am always in. So Kyle told us to work out, press on and dig deep. Now when I heard those phrases, my mind automatically went to some insanity work out video because it's all about putting the work in. If I am willing to work hard on the physical, I should be willing to work harder on the spiritual.
So after the sermon today, I spend the better part of the day cleaning up messes. Literally... like busting out tile to take care of a leak in my shower kind of mess. But while I was doing that, I knew I had to clean the others areas up as well. Physically my body needs exercise and proper nutrition. Spiritually my body needs fed with a lot prayer, worship and bible reading. I need to get intimate with Jesus every single day. I need to be open to him and let him work. Those daydreams? The people I think about? Well I guess if they are supposed to be in my life, God is gonna put them there. No need to think about things I can't control. So I am again making some changes. I am making my inside match my outside. Its time to put the social media hooplah aside, its time to stop checking statuses and being all up inside everyone else's mess. It's time for me to mind my own messy and get it cleaned up!
As I was sitting down and reading and gathering information for this post, I realized that I while I tend to keep to myself about the thoughts and feelings I have, I'm not hiding anything from God. He already knows everything I think and everything I feel, and those daydreams I have are no secret either. Have to admit I am a little ashamed about some things. Probably not too pleasing.
So this mess...I know that God has a plan for my life. He has engineered this wonderful, glorious plan for me and I am too impatient to let it come to fruition. I tell myself every day, that when something bad or less desirable happens to me, it's because God wants to mold or shape me somehow, not just let me be heartbroken. He wants good things for me. So I constantly tell myself to trust God with the mess I have once again created. And you would think with my aversion to disarray, I would do this easily....WRONG!
God wants us to praise him in our storms (messes). He collects our tears and holds us tight. He desires a life with us beyond compare. It's just our job to let him work. He is the ultimate manager of life and if we let him take over, good things can happen. He can fix it! It's hard to sit back and wait on his timing for some things. We are required to be open to him, to hear him, and to respond to him. If we can't open our hearts, perhaps that is why the mess is still there.
Today in Church I heard a really good sermon about starting over and how God is fighting for me. He wants me to have a relationship with him that isn't lukewarm. He wants me to be all in, on fire for him all the time. While Kyle was preaching, I was thinking about all the energy I have devoted to changing my physical appearance, and all those daydreams I have placing people in my life that probably don't need to be there. I thought about how exhausted I am keeping up the facade of this mess I am always in. So Kyle told us to work out, press on and dig deep. Now when I heard those phrases, my mind automatically went to some insanity work out video because it's all about putting the work in. If I am willing to work hard on the physical, I should be willing to work harder on the spiritual.
So after the sermon today, I spend the better part of the day cleaning up messes. Literally... like busting out tile to take care of a leak in my shower kind of mess. But while I was doing that, I knew I had to clean the others areas up as well. Physically my body needs exercise and proper nutrition. Spiritually my body needs fed with a lot prayer, worship and bible reading. I need to get intimate with Jesus every single day. I need to be open to him and let him work. Those daydreams? The people I think about? Well I guess if they are supposed to be in my life, God is gonna put them there. No need to think about things I can't control. So I am again making some changes. I am making my inside match my outside. Its time to put the social media hooplah aside, its time to stop checking statuses and being all up inside everyone else's mess. It's time for me to mind my own messy and get it cleaned up!
Romans 8:28
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose
If you would like to hear the sermon from today, please visit www.newpoint.church
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