Letters to him...

Tuesday...

The overwhelming desire to call you is real. I fight the urge to pick up the phone and hit the button. I'm afraid to look at Facebook because I don't want a memory to pop up glaringly reminding me of my failures. So I drive. I drive all over. I listen to the same songs all the time, fully hoping that the words will sink in.I drive. Today I drove past you in town. I saw the sticker on the front of your truck and your cattle guard. I knew you probably had just left McDonalds getting your sausage, egg and cheese biscuit and large coffee. I passed you and I didn't wave. I didn't look. I didn't want you to see my face. The puffy eyes that are streaked with red. The discolored cheeks from endless salty tears. I passed and I miss you...

Letters to him...

Tuesday...

I woke up early again. This morning I feel different. I'm not mad. I'm struggling because  I want to see you, to hold you, to kiss you and know it's okay. I am fighting with all barrels loaded to not call you in this moment.  I miss you....

Letters to him...

Monday...

Today started out a little better than most days.  I slept a little better in spite of the water mess in my garage and the fact I had to heat water on the stove to shave my legs.  I felt comfortable enough to text you last night and let you know the storm that continued to cloud my week. We had even talked about it briefly at your house in the 3 plus hours I hung around with your daughter on Sunday.

She and I had so much fun during that day. She made me smile and laugh on so many occasions. I would have kept her into the night, knowing the later I took her back the shorter the amount of time I would have to encounter conversations with you. But she has a sweet little heart and disposition and she was so excited to share popsicles with her brothers. She asked in her high pitched voice to take her home so she could enjoy the frozen treats with them. I of course obliged and we embarked on the long road to your house.  My own child had left with a friend so it was just me, no back up. No escape plan. Just me and what was left of my heart for that day. I drove slowly, listening to the Frozen soundtrack, letting my mind wander to conversations that would take place or not happen at all. I was mentally exhausted when I turned on your drive.  She jumped out of the car ready to share with the boys leaving me to get her things and follow her in.

I entered your house and noticed a sense of familiarity of my pictures still in place and my dishes on the counter where I left them. It was like nothing had changed. I walked into your son's room where you all were playing video games and set down on the edge of the open bed. You slipped up and said, "Look's like your mom is back with your sister." And then immediately corrected yourself. Just another notch in the "he is not over her belt".

You finished playing and moved into the kitchen to do dishes and dinner. I just stood there making small talk about hot water heaters and the kids. Your sweet girl continued to ask me to stay, to sit with her, to not leave.  At some point I got close enough to look at a mole on your back and you hugged me. Just a small grab but I leaned in closer and held tight. I wasn't sure another would come so I made the embrace last longer. You must have sensed/felt something because you took a step away and made your way outside. Addie had me follow to play with the kittens. She is relentless. She is 100% girl! I asked you to sit on the swing and promised you wouldn't have to talk. When asked if I was going to talk I replied softly, "I don't have anything left to say."  Sitting led to playing basketball and more small talk...and another long hug.

It was time to leave. I was starting to doubt my strength. I was starting to lose myself and what I am sure would have been the vomiting of all the wrong words. So I left. I got in my car and told myself to not take your "see you later" literally.

I got home to the mess of a busted hot water tank. Because when it rains its pours at my house. The hits keep on coming and I am forced to roll with the punches. Which I did. I was contacted my your sister in law who wanted to talk. We scheduled a time for Monday and I laid down to complete my devotion, slowly drifting off to sleep.

This morning was as mentioned above, okay. After installation of my savings, (HAHA), I went over to the party house determined not to cry and ask for simple prayers of healing for you and your relationship with her and others, including me. A couple hours of sitting at her table revealed that I am not alone in my thinking and that she and your brother agree. I would soon find that your sister does as well. It isn't me. I don't have a "her" thing. You do. You aren't over her. You keep her at the distance you feel she needs to be and swear it's for the kids. Your unwillingness to cast her aside has created this mess for you and I. It isn't me. My mouth is speaking words of truth and you know it. She asked why I stay. Why I keep putting up with it? Why again?  What is my line? It's apology and forgiveness. It's choosing me over her. I haven't done the things she has. I haven't hurt you. So why do it to me?

I knew the evening would be hard. You should be here with me tonight. Eating dinner. Walking. Watching TV. But you're not. I called our friend to fight the urge to call you. He would tell me not to, to let the urge go and to be strong. What I need to hear, not what I want to hear. He did exactly that, promising my strength would gain blessings. He had talked to you briefly. I felt my hair stand on end and my heart fluttered knowing he talked to you. Did he say anything? How did you respond?  You did talk about me, you did make me a villain, you did say all the things I expected.  He said to be patient.  I said okay realizing my line is drawn even if just for today...

Letters to him....

Sunday...

Its been 4 days since that horrible night. So much has happened in those 4 days, but nothing has brought you back.   Nothing has softened your hatred.  I won't lie and say yesterday was an easy one. I struggled to smile and act like I was okay. I prayed for strength at every turn. Knowing you're ignoring me and throwing away our memories is as gut wrenching as it comes. But you know that pain, you have felt it for so many years and you are content to stay there. I never thought I would be your Savior. I was raised and will always believe that is the job of Christ. You took that role and owned that role with her. It wasn't yours to take. He put you in her life and Satan took her out and I am so sorry that happened to you. I am so sorry she crushed your soul to the point you think it's okay to do that to me.

I weighed myself today and ironically I'm below 130.  Celebrations right? Hitting those goals. I am painstakingly putting my all into this because of what I feel I am being led to do. And I know that I have to be patient. So I will fast in moments of drop to your knee prayers. To arms extended to Christ in reverence. To giving him everything.

The messages still come in checking on me. I hurt but I have a passion to please and be obedient to Christ. There have been endless opportunities to end this relationship and it hasn't. I won't let it end now because you're mad it got real. I hit a nerve. Because you realize you need to heal.

Kids sense things. I don't know what you have told yours. But I won't know because you refuse to talk to me. You ignore me and my messages. Your littlest one is here with me again today. She ran to me yesterday at the party and was my shadow. She wanted everything to do with me.  So I let her. No sense hurting the children. You speak so much about how your decisions are the best for your kids. Is this one?  Really? Is taking me out of your life really the best thing for them? She called me today and asked me to come get her so she is here with me and my son. We are laughing and eating french fries and watching cartoons. And she thinks everything is okay.

Your mom came over and sat with me last night for a few hours. She didn't take sides but offered up information I needed. She is joining the army that cares enough to pray for all of this.

I cried this morning at church. Your mom was there to offer companionship.  You should have been there with us and I know you know that. Stop all this. Stop the downward cycle of being unwilling to heal. Stop staying where you were two years ago. You weren't happy.  God placed me in your life to show you what happiness could be and you're trying to throw it away. I have a prayer circle so very big right now surrounding this relationship. I know in time my tears will flow less. I know I will smile again. But with you....

Letters to him

Friday...

My alarm went off and I rolled over to make it stop. I had been awake for some time. I hadn't slept much, waking up in panic with a pain so intense I struggled to catch my breath. Courtney had stayed a while the night before, making sure I was ok and monitoring my attacks. But this morning I had a job to do and laying here in silence wasn't going to get it done.

I got up and started the coffee. I met Pam outside and took in the crisp air. It felt great. After 45 minutes of putting our bodies through some form of band torture, she left to continue her day. The clouds were once again rolling in so I rushed to spread some insect killer on the grass as well as some fertilizer.  I know I was talking to myself. And the numbness that I was growing accustomed to allowed me not to care. I looked and realized that Erin and Brynn were waiting on me so I changed shoes and put her and myself through weighted torture. I wanted to sweat and forget for even an hour.  She left when we were done and I set down in the garage and the tears came. They always do. I messaged you. I know it was stupid but the longing, the pain; I just wanted it to stop.

You didn't reply right away.  But you never do so I waited with some form of childlike anticipation, hoping you woke up and wanted us.  That wasn't the case. Your words came like venom from a snake who was being threatened.  I read them over and over, hoping my eyes were just mixing things up. So despite the fact Karen had showed for her torture, I called you. I, in a moment of sheer panic, hit the button that would produce the sharpest pain I have felt in a long time.

Your words cut like a knife, slicing through my heart with intent. It was beating providing life, but it was struggling. In defense I snapped back determined to keep walls from building. Another mistake. I was becoming a master of destroying my own soul. The overwhelming evidence to the demise of our relationship was thrust into my ear like daggers. So I hung up. I made my way back the garage and crumbled. Karen stayed until that attack passed. She hugged me and just listened. She let me rationalize it as best I could and we set another time to work out.

Courtney called when the next attack came. That specific attack left me without words and summoned up Rhonda to come and sit with me. I listen with intent to those who talk or stop by but my brain is jumbled. Nothing makes sense because everything about me says to fix it, to change and make it better. To do whatever it would take to make this all a dream.

Throughout the day, I did find time to smile and laugh. AJ and I worked out.  But that would be the time I know you would to stopping by to pick up the cake I baked for Wes. You pulled up and I felt the knot grow in my throat. My stomach turned like a washer on the spin cycle. And you were normal. There was no animosity. There was no hate.  But there was also no love.  You left as quickly as you came, with a see you later out window as a form of gentlemanly conduct. I knew better than to take those words literally.

John called soon after that and the conversation went on for hours. He gets it. He understands. He himself wonders what has happened.  During the conversation, you texted. Nothing personal or resolving, but a pic of Wes and the cake, thanking me. I got off the phone and walked with Karen feeling a little higher, with some form of hope. Dinner followed and then bedtime. I longed to stay asleep. I prayed when I closed my eyes I would find rest.

Letters to him...

Saturday...
I woke up this morning the same way I went to sleep; wet faced and lonely. Looking in the mirror once again the puffy eyes greeted me. The yearning for a hot, caffeinated beverage pulled me out of bed so I could drink enough liquid courage to get me through the day.

I scrolled Facebook, first pausing on my page to see if you had removed our relationship status from our social worlds, leaving me to answer questions I couldn't even get myself. Once establishing nothing had changed in the virtual world I took a deep breath and glanced mindlessly at other things.   Messages come in continuously, checking in and telling me to breathe and let God just take this entire situation and I know they are right, but this situation isn't fair and it isn't right. I am losing a love, one I have poured so much into. One I don't get a say in.

Facebook has this wonderful thing called memories and let me tell you, they suck. A year ago, I was sitting with you and our kids in a boat on your pond. We were smiling. The overwhelming feeling of regret knocked me to the ground and I lost it. So I sit here at the table, stroking these black and white keys searching for answers and trying to make sense of it all.

I think about that night in the boat 365 days ago. Had we argued that day? Had we smiled and joked and had one of our best days?  I can't remember. All I have is this picture. This memory on Facebook that tells me it must have been a good one. And I long to be there in that boat with you right now.

I have heard so many people say hindsight is 20/20. What the hell does that even mean? It's clearer? More crisp?  It's just eye opening to me, that is all.  Apparently I didn't say much that night in the boat. Must have been a night I rolled with the punches or didn't pick up any offense.  I must have been "the girl" you liked that night.  I must have been the better version that day.  The non complicated one. The do what I say one. The don't it let it bother you one.

But that's not me. I am messy and complicated and helping and kind and generous with all I have. I love to a fault. And I hurt.  Lord knows I hurt. 90% of the time, I can be the version you like. But the 10% that I am not is held against me. There is no help, no understanding, no want to get around that 10%. You would rather just toss it all away then help with the 10%.  And it seems so trivial. The things we talk about that end in fights. I do have feelings and emotions and you don't. There is no compromise.  A couple of days ago I did a thing that took a lot of courage. I had to let go of my pride. I took a step in a direction for resolution. And you know what?  It didn't matter to you. Because it wasn't soon enough and you were done. You tossed me and all of our memories aside.  I got written off.  You know that pain. You have experienced it. Feel it with me....

So today I get that Facebook memory. I get to see your smiling face and know that on that day, I made you happy. For a brief moment it blurs out the imagery of your face from a couple of nights ago. It dims the tone of disgust and hate from your voice. It stopped my tears for a couple of seconds.

But now the wave has built back up and I search frantically for another snapshot, to stop this pain and stop this hurt. And I know I won't find one quick enough because the tears have already started. I know you were hurt. I know what you went through. I do. I get that you don't get me.  But we can get through this together.

Constant Worth

I've struggled getting back on here in the past couple of years to post again. I have debated over and over again many times, wondering if people actually want to read what I write. But today my heart is heavy. I am sad. I am feeling a little broken.

What is a persons worth? How much is one worth? Do we as a society put people in the same category as money or a job, attaching a dollar or time amount as we rank them in our lives? This past month worth has weighed heavy on my mind.  I read a quote that said "Your worth stays constant whether it is seen or not." This hit home.  For a while now, I haven't felt worth it; to myself or to anyone really. It's like I work so hard at making sure everyone else is happy or OK, that I forget how to take care of myself. I have ridden that struggle bus for sometime now. I guess what I am really trying to say is that I feel like some days approval is earned. I work so hard at making sure I do whatever I can all the time for everyone in my life just to make sure I remain in their good graces; often at the expense of my own health and sanity. And I wish this was consistent; like I could pinpoint what makes me wake up and feel like this but I have yet to find that trigger. Most days I am good, really good. I smile and laugh and all is well in the world. Then those other days, BAM...it's not good.

For today, For this entry, I am going to focus on those good days. I am going to meditate on those days to make them my every day. I read my devotion this morning and it drummed up all sorts of feels. One sentence stopped me in my tracks. Ephesians 2:8 tells us about a God who loves us despite our spiritual win/loss record. "For by Grace your have been saved through faith-and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God." On those bad days, I want to imagine God is up there just like I am, with a clipboard, keeping score. But he isn't. He isn't leering over me with a look of disapproval telling me I should be better. He is with me. He is crying alongside me. He holds my hand and guides me though the murky mess I have created. He is there through every rise and fall.  Grace is free.

So the question is why do I keep score? Why do I feel like I should earn others approval? Why do I work so hard to have a place in someones life? I don't think I can fully answer that question today. I can however, look at it and understand that it is not OK. I should not allow someone to have that type of hold on me and my mental stability. God isn't a scorekeeper which means I shouldn't allow/expect others to be as well. Today is one of those days where I am not feeling the best about myself. I have sought out prayer from trusted friends. I have called my mom. I have cried out to Jesus.

Jesus left the 99 for the one. Today I am the one. Not the 99 like most days, today the one. I feel like I am bleating frantically trying to be found. Searching for his comfort. I guess I need to open my eyes and look for the Shepherd who is coming for me.

Today is a rough one. Its real and raw. Tomorrow will be better as I draw closer to Christ who does not place my worth on a scorecard. He extends Grace and stays by my side all the time, not just when its convenient. Worth? What is someone worth to you? Do they know they are worth it? I hope I am no longer guilty of categorizing someone's worth. EVERY single person is worth it if we profess we are a follower of Christ. Time and money don't matter. I need to stop objectifying people and see them through the eyes of Christ and expect the same in return.