I've struggled getting back on here in the past couple of years to post again. I have debated over and over again many times, wondering if people actually want to read what I write. But today my heart is heavy. I am sad. I am feeling a little broken.
What is a persons worth? How much is one worth? Do we as a society put people in the same category as money or a job, attaching a dollar or time amount as we rank them in our lives? This past month worth has weighed heavy on my mind. I read a quote that said "Your worth stays constant whether it is seen or not." This hit home. For a while now, I haven't felt worth it; to myself or to anyone really. It's like I work so hard at making sure everyone else is happy or OK, that I forget how to take care of myself. I have ridden that struggle bus for sometime now. I guess what I am really trying to say is that I feel like some days approval is earned. I work so hard at making sure I do whatever I can all the time for everyone in my life just to make sure I remain in their good graces; often at the expense of my own health and sanity. And I wish this was consistent; like I could pinpoint what makes me wake up and feel like this but I have yet to find that trigger. Most days I am good, really good. I smile and laugh and all is well in the world. Then those other days, BAM...it's not good.
For today, For this entry, I am going to focus on those good days. I am going to meditate on those days to make them my every day. I read my devotion this morning and it drummed up all sorts of feels. One sentence stopped me in my tracks. Ephesians 2:8 tells us about a God who loves us despite our spiritual win/loss record. "For by Grace your have been saved through faith-and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God." On those bad days, I want to imagine God is up there just like I am, with a clipboard, keeping score. But he isn't. He isn't leering over me with a look of disapproval telling me I should be better. He is with me. He is crying alongside me. He holds my hand and guides me though the murky mess I have created. He is there through every rise and fall. Grace is free.
So the question is why do I keep score? Why do I feel like I should earn others approval? Why do I work so hard to have a place in someones life? I don't think I can fully answer that question today. I can however, look at it and understand that it is not OK. I should not allow someone to have that type of hold on me and my mental stability. God isn't a scorekeeper which means I shouldn't allow/expect others to be as well. Today is one of those days where I am not feeling the best about myself. I have sought out prayer from trusted friends. I have called my mom. I have cried out to Jesus.
Jesus left the 99 for the one. Today I am the one. Not the 99 like most days, today the one. I feel like I am bleating frantically trying to be found. Searching for his comfort. I guess I need to open my eyes and look for the Shepherd who is coming for me.
Today is a rough one. Its real and raw. Tomorrow will be better as I draw closer to Christ who does not place my worth on a scorecard. He extends Grace and stays by my side all the time, not just when its convenient. Worth? What is someone worth to you? Do they know they are worth it? I hope I am no longer guilty of categorizing someone's worth. EVERY single person is worth it if we profess we are a follower of Christ. Time and money don't matter. I need to stop objectifying people and see them through the eyes of Christ and expect the same in return.
