Letters to him....

Sunday...

Its been 4 days since that horrible night. So much has happened in those 4 days, but nothing has brought you back.   Nothing has softened your hatred.  I won't lie and say yesterday was an easy one. I struggled to smile and act like I was okay. I prayed for strength at every turn. Knowing you're ignoring me and throwing away our memories is as gut wrenching as it comes. But you know that pain, you have felt it for so many years and you are content to stay there. I never thought I would be your Savior. I was raised and will always believe that is the job of Christ. You took that role and owned that role with her. It wasn't yours to take. He put you in her life and Satan took her out and I am so sorry that happened to you. I am so sorry she crushed your soul to the point you think it's okay to do that to me.

I weighed myself today and ironically I'm below 130.  Celebrations right? Hitting those goals. I am painstakingly putting my all into this because of what I feel I am being led to do. And I know that I have to be patient. So I will fast in moments of drop to your knee prayers. To arms extended to Christ in reverence. To giving him everything.

The messages still come in checking on me. I hurt but I have a passion to please and be obedient to Christ. There have been endless opportunities to end this relationship and it hasn't. I won't let it end now because you're mad it got real. I hit a nerve. Because you realize you need to heal.

Kids sense things. I don't know what you have told yours. But I won't know because you refuse to talk to me. You ignore me and my messages. Your littlest one is here with me again today. She ran to me yesterday at the party and was my shadow. She wanted everything to do with me.  So I let her. No sense hurting the children. You speak so much about how your decisions are the best for your kids. Is this one?  Really? Is taking me out of your life really the best thing for them? She called me today and asked me to come get her so she is here with me and my son. We are laughing and eating french fries and watching cartoons. And she thinks everything is okay.

Your mom came over and sat with me last night for a few hours. She didn't take sides but offered up information I needed. She is joining the army that cares enough to pray for all of this.

I cried this morning at church. Your mom was there to offer companionship.  You should have been there with us and I know you know that. Stop all this. Stop the downward cycle of being unwilling to heal. Stop staying where you were two years ago. You weren't happy.  God placed me in your life to show you what happiness could be and you're trying to throw it away. I have a prayer circle so very big right now surrounding this relationship. I know in time my tears will flow less. I know I will smile again. But with you....